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Friendship and love | Monday, January 28, 2008

There are times when you have to hold back your feelings. No matter how much you're dying to share some words with your close ones, you can't. 'Coz you don't wanna hurt them in anyway. There are some words that are never said, never conveyed - but still felt. Some letters that are soaked in tears, but were never read by the intended reader - as it was never sent. I have a pile of such mails. De-classifying one such mail here.

Hi Shwets,

How have you been? Writing to you after a pretty long time. A lot has happened in the meantime. I wanted to tell you so much, but didn't quite want to disturb you with my trivial things. No matter what you say, marriages do affect all other relationship. And one must accept the changes. I did.

Today is different. I came across something today, something about you that shook me. I'm in a daze. I'm not sure what I should do. Call you up, confront you, shout? Am I angry or hurt? I'm not sure. Maybe it's mix of both. I sat down to write you this mail. But U know what? U'r never gonna read it as I won't click the 'send' button in the end. I don't want to make you feel guilty or sad. This is gonna be one of those numerous 'words left unsaid' amongst us.

[ Continued in Full Post ]

Seems you never understood me. My words were just that for you - 'words'. They say you've been making fun of me and my feelings all along among your friends; that you called me just another 'deewana' of yours. Is this really what you think? It really hurts to realize that you never truly gauged my feelings for you. I love you as the best of friends, the most precious person in my life so far. I wished for a life-long bond of friendship between us; a strong bond that could withstand every weather. U are surely more than just a mere friend but I never thought of you as my 'love interest'. I am crazy about you and would do anything for you; but it's not like those filmy 'lover boys' or 'deewana' as you call it. There's a very thin line between love and friendship. Whilst I was on the latter side all along, you thought I was on the other side. Since when did you have such a blurred vision? And I thought you of all people know me inside out.

On second thoughts, it seems all my fault. Maybe it's my fault that I think too highly of my friends, or specially you. All those novels and movies about friendship had their effect on me, I guess. I believed in all those 'bookish' definitions of friendship; that friendship is the most divine relation. I didn't know that friendship is just about hanging-out and a little bit of sorrow sharing; and if it is boy n gal, the perimeter is further shortened. I wasn't bothered about the myopic vision of others. Still when it bothered you, I distanced myself, believing you're just avoiding complications but you still have faith in me. But boy, I was wrong. You were no different than the others. You too thought that I'm in love with you. That feels like insult of my feelings.

If I were in love with you, I'd have told you. You know that. I've never hidden anything from you. Told you even trivial things. Then how could you even imagine that I'd hide such a huge thing from you?

But you know what's weird? I am still not angry on you. Every time I think of you, I feel very nice. Even this new found pain is just tickling. I can never curse you or look down upon you. You're still the same precious friend of mine, the cute innocent Shwets. Maybe you don't think likewise. But still, I'll always be there for you whenever U need me. Just call out my name.

- Love,


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