SS was anyway genuinely worried 'bout me. For once, I was loosing her and also my beloved. She was constantly telling me to express my feelings to this gal. Her logic –

SS:	See itz nothing wrong to develop feelings for someone. Just go tell her. Itz imp for u to let her know ur feelings towards her. What if she feels happy? understands and respects ur feeling? prolly she will give u a friendly hug and say I understand :)

[ Read rest of the chat script in the upcoming PDF version ]

At times, I feel really very weak at my knees. When SS keeps pressing me to express my feelings, I feel like letting it out. What’s gonna happen? She'll avoid me? She's leaving me forever anyway. And even before that we're not really romancing. So why am I burning myself like this? Just tell her what I feel for her. SS makes me believe that she won't take it badly. But still there's this 1% fear of loosing what I already have with her - our precious bond, our special relation. No matter how much understanding she is - no matter how much she appreciates my feelings now - once I tell her the truth - there'll be always a certain / huge uneasiness between us. Our care free attitude will take a blow. And that will hurt more.

There’s another instance when she made me vulnerable. 1st July. That day I had a terrible argument with my roomie and was boiling like anything. So asked SS if she'll be awake till midnight so that I can chat and vent out. Around midnight she msged - "OK I'm here to listen. waiting". that itself melted me. So nice of her. I kept on ranting about all my frustration and she listened to all of it and kept comforting me. Then eventually there was this about how I'm suffocating myself by not expressing my feelings to that gal. This time she was giving me courage to look for hope in this fog. She said -

U know what? U love her immensely. True love.
I wish she could hear U.
Is she happy with her finance?
Some people just walk around as if they r happy, but still they have issues.
................
And she hasn't got married yet no? Go say. Ask her to read your posts.

All that she said were so SO provocative. For an instance I felt like calling her up then n there. But then, didn't want to create complications for her. All that SS said were filmy wishful thinking. She'll read my posts, feel the depths of my love, fall in love with me, break her engagement and marry me instead .... huh .... such things happen only in candy floss movies. Not real life.

all those feelings that she has been appreciating all along were for none other than herself

Everybody is an expert in giving advice. But it's only when they are thrust into a weird situation that they get perplexed. What if SS was really the one I loved? She has already read my posts. So, if I'd told her @ that very moment that It's U, how would've she reacted? Knowing that all those feelings that she has been appreciating all along were for none other than herself, will she still find them adorable? If can't expect SS, who I guess knows me so well, to fathom it properly - how can I pretend that she [one whom I do love ] will...?? So, it's better the way it is - buried. But SS was just being a supportive friend, like a strong pillar giving all the support it can to a collapsing house in a storm. What R friends for?

Anyway, I didn't start this doc to write about this gal but it's about me & SS. So, back to our story. Well, as it is with every young lady - the days between engagement and marriage are the most memorable days - full of excitement, compassion, fear and lotsa tender feelings .... blah blah blah. Don't ask me about it 'coz I haven't been through it personally till date. But have seen SS in this phase. She was so vibrant and yet vulnerable in those last few days. Used to cry a lot at the tiniest instance. She was worried about whether she'd be able to take proper care of AM and do justice to his endless love. I did my best to comfort her, but donno how much it helped. She was as brittle as always.

The day of her wedding was finally nearing rapidly. One day I saw her wedding invitation card on her blog. [ didn't receive any formal invitation though. ;) ] And then she called me up asking me to attend the wedding. "See if U can make it to the wedding". At that very moment, a previous convo that we had was playing in my mind. The night she had called me up after reading my post about her, she had said "I know U won't attend my wedding". We both were chuckling @ this, 'coz we both knew what she's saying is true. That was when she had promised last time to meet. She had said

"I suggest we'll meet sometime in July. Will treat U for everything - Job, Engagement and Wedding. I'll spend some time with you. I'm gonna miss all of U".

I didn't have high hopes on this ever. And as it turned out, she really didn't recall having said that ever. July just vanished from the calendar - just like that.

Anyways, finally it was 15th Aug, marking India's 60 years of Independence. But for me, more than that, the BIG day of my Best Friend SS. Texted her @ the stroke of midnight -

"Your voyage for a new life begins today. Wish U all the happiness in life".

Didn't call her up, not then - not ever after that. 'Coz now she wasn't just my friend. She was wife to someone. No matter how deep or pure other relations are, marriage does affect everything.

Didn't attend it physically, but kept imagining what could be possibly happening right now at the venue. The day after, a couple of visibly insignificant SMSs were exchanged. But well, those were possibly the last words we ever exchange. So, wouldn't delete them from my cell ever. She's leaving for US on 5th Sep. Unlike SS, who has a very poor short term memory, I remember such dates almost perfectly. I don't need it to be 1st May or 15th Aug. HeHe. Just teasing her.

Epilogue

It's been just a bit more than one year of knowing her. Met her JUST once and spent a lifetime [ or was it just a few fraction of seconds ] with her. She knows me more than any leaving soul on this planet. And I've seen all UPs and DOWNs of her life. Seen the little kid in her heart who helplessly craves for mom, finds delight in moonlit nights, gets frightened by cats, tries to catch butterflies. And yet sometimes, it's she only who's an adolescent lady - one who falls for a unknown voice over the telephone, finds kindling romanticism in getting drenched in rain, gets jealous of others falling in love but not her. Sometimes she is more mature than her age - raising her voice against the social evils - eve-teasing and all.

And above all, being the sweetest friend to me. The best thing that ever happened to me.

When she must - she stood her ground. At her weaker moments - she's as fragile as a newborn baby. Have seen her go through the turmoils of Apara - Infy - and Accenture. Been there when she was having a hard time with mounting pressure to get married. Seen her switching to arranged marriage clan. Seen her chirping like a humming bird, crying like a bereaved child, fighting like a warrior - facing the world with panache. And above all, being the sweetest friend to me. The best thing that ever happened to me.

And ya, the fear of loosing this sweetest friend is still there. I won't get to hear her voice - ever. She's gonna move to some US city and maybe only GTalk will be our mode of communication - that too for a limited period due to time differences. And even this communication is gonna die down soon after that. Life will always seem incomplete and in wait, just as this little diary of mine is.

I know U will, but still, can't resist the temptation of saying this to U AM. "Take care of Her".